If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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