I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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