Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
