....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
