my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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