When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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