Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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