K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
