I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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