I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
