My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
