My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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