Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
