His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As shirtless as possible
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
