It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my shit smells like andre
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
