Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
