Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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