Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
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