We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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