I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
