matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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