Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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