So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
