I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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