U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
