I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
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