btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
