Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
