dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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