I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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