I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
