I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
