I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
