Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
