I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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