theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Bring me that man meat
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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