Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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