If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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