peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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