do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
