I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
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