1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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