You just made me feel so damn special
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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