the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
