Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
