I met the friendliest cop last night
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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