i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
