Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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