I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
