Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
