you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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